Becoming Precious
How can a living thing thrive unless it’s nurtured, valued, and treated with care? I’ve spent too long using my energy trying to get ahead, impress others, have more, be more, achieve the next Big Thing in attempt to stave off that fear of not being enough. It’s brought me, again and again, to a place of feeling depleted, resentful, and emotionally wrung out. Withered, like a plant starved of sunlight and nutrients. Over and over, I declare that I’m going to start prioritizing my well-being. “This time will be different!” I say, only to find myself in the same tired old place, scratching my head.
I won’t complain that women in our society are more prone to this phenomenon. Plenty of men batter themselves against the rocks of their careers, telling themselves they’ll do their thing when they retire, only to be so broken at 65 that it’s too late. Older generations complain about the laziness and entitlement of the youngers entering the workforce. But is that it? Or have Millennials and Gen Zers seen the price of our “noble sacrifice”, and actually embraced the concept of “working to live” instead of slapping on an inspirational meme?
I’m not suggesting we all be selfish. Human beings are interconnected, and anything one person is not willing to do puts the burden on someone else. Doing my part for society, and knowing I’m not doing preventable, intentional harm, allows me to rest easily enough at night. But, let’s be honest, some of us keep doing more because we’re hooked on control, trying to prove ourselves to ourselves, outrunning insecurity or chasing approval that we’ll never be able to catch.
I have a friend who says she fills her own cup so everyone else can get the overflow. I’ve got to be honest, trying to do this feels wrong. It feels selfish, indulgent, LAZY! (my four-letter word.) Maybe that’s because I’m not used to it. Maybe I think I don’t deserve to be first on my own list. But I’m forty three, y’all, and I’m tired. Sometimes pain is the only thing that motivates you to make a change.
For today, I’m telling myself it’s okay to treat my energy as precious. It’s okay to make my Self precious. It’s okay to do that thing I’ve been meaning to do now, today, instead of saying I’ll do it when that project is turned in, when I’ve gotten a full night’s sleep, when the laundry’s folded, when the kids are older. My life is happening now, and today I’m not willing to avoid it, defer it, or torch it on the altar of sacrifice any longer.
Today, I choose Me.
