Hi, my name is Rowan and I’m a Quitter

I have this pattern in which I start a new thing, whether it be dance lessons, learning Italian, or launching a new work project. At first, I’m on fire—I’m excited. I throw myself into it fully. I’m humble, because I’m a newbie, so it’s okay not to be good at it. I’m learning.

Then the awkward adolescent phase sets in. I’ve been working at it for a while, so I’ve developed some skill, but not enough to be an expert. I’ve learned enough to know what I don’t know. Suddenly, I can see where I am, where I want to be, and how very far away those two points are.

This is where I usually give up.

This is when it stops being “fun” for me. That initial burst of energy has worn off and steady discipline and dedication have to take over. But I want that starry-eyed newbie vibe back. That felt exhilarating, child-like, as though I was launching some grand adventure and could go anywhere and be anything I dreamed.

Not to say I can’t. But I have to grow up in the process. And growing up hasn’t been my strong suit.

I can chase that transitory high in any number of new pursuits and never experience the deep satisfaction that comes from seeing a process through, of giving myself the gift of time, patience, dedication, and commitment. Refining a skill takes years of setbacks, heartbreaks, picking myself up and pressing on in spite of them. But I don’t want that. I want it to be easy and fun.

Am I lazy? I used to think so. But a wise friend clued me in to the gremlin of Perfectionism. Perfectionism tells me I’m never going to reach my ideal, I’m never going to be as good as So-and-So, I’m just not talented enough, dedicated enough, etc. And so I talk myself right out of the game. In psychology, we call this a “fixed mindset” versus “growth mindset.” After years of trying to un-train my brain, fixed mindset beliefs are still firmly rooted in the fabric of my being. “No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to get There, because you’re just not that good.”

So I’ve quit a lot of things in my life. A lot of things I loved.

I don’t want to give up on writing. I know, deep down, that I won’t. But how do I get through this awkward adolescent phase with my sanity and self-esteem intact? I need a different mindset, one I’m not naturally familiar with. My definition of “fun” needs to change. There’s a philosophy that short-term happiness comes from immediate pleasures, but long-term happiness comes from attaining goals. In other words, I need to learn to take pleasure in the process. I want the outcome—the book deal, the podcast interview, the film rights. I want the gold star telling me I’ve arrived. I want to be great before I’m even good. But, as Julia Cameron writes in The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, “We deny that in order to do something well we must first be willing to do it badly.” To frame it another way, Cameron quotes the movie Raging Bull: “If you win, you win, and if you lose, you win."

The process is the whole point. The learning is the joy, not the outcome. If I can lean into the discomfort of growth, allow myself to be exactly where I’m at, have faith that I’m making progress every time I show up at the page, I might just have a chance.